Tonight after another violent few hours with Ben I find myself questioning again whether things can carry on like this if we dont get any support to help with the violence my lovely boy exhibits. I regularly wonder if my son would be better with someone else as his mum as 99% of the time it is me he targets. However I rightly or wrongly can not bring myself to take that huge step from which there is no going back. I love my son to bits and if there really is no option in the future maybe I will have to accept that I am not good enough to be Bens mum but until I have to I will try my very best and accept the pain, the heartache and the difficulties. Ben is my son, he needs me, how could I ever give up on him when I am his mum his carer his everything.
Every day I am in pain, it hurts when I brush my hair, get dressed, bend, move, basically everything I do is painful. Maybe you know me personally and think this can not be true because of the way I always try to smile and carry on as normal. I do not complain and openly cry, I do not update my every move on facebook or by texting/calling everyone on each of these occassions. Why do I not do this, because I know that if I did then it would not change matters the pain would not be less. The only difference would be that everyone I complained to would see me differently whether as a victim, a moaner, someone who never stops complaining??? Or maybe I would be seen as a liar because who would believe what really goes on here behind closed doors. Ben is six if I were to phone you whoever is reading this and tell you everytime these incidents occurred you would have calls numerous times a day every day. If you heard that day in day out would you really want to know would you really believe me?! Im not sure if I was in your position and hadnt experienced this I would.
So why do I write this blog you must be thinking, why do you tell all to anyone who could read this blog? I do it because by writing this I can get my feelings out and stop the emotional pain building up inside. It doesnt really help with the latter but I must admit it does help a little getting my feelings into words. I hope in time maybe the emotions will stop building up but who knows only time will tell!!
I do not feel it necessary to bore you all with the details of the beating I have endured today as there is another blog post about these incidents in more detail. Needless to say a lot of hitting, hair pulling, punching, spitting, kicking and strangling was involved and I was on the recieving end of it. I am not able to get the help a victim of domestic violence can because it is not my wonderful husband that hurts me its my son.
I do hope people who follow my blog understand a little of how our life is and maybe in time by me sharing this blog with as many people as I can awareness will be raised of the issues some people face with an autistic child with extreme challenging behaviours as I am sure I can not be alone in experiencing violence to this extreme from a child who knows no better.
I do not want sympathy as that wont change our lives but if you can do anything please ask others to read this blog because if this can help just one family in our position to know they are not alone I will have achieved something. Also I hope in sharing this people will understand or accept that little bit more that children like Ben do exist and to not judge before you know the full facts of what happend behind closed doors. So if you can share my blog please do.