So the half term is over and we survived!! I have arms that could easily be mistaken for a dot to dot puzzle and bags under my eyes that could be mistaken for suitcases they are so big!! However weve done it and we have another six or so weeks of school before the dreaded summer holidays.
If I hear one more person telling me how sad they are to see their kids go back to school and the end of all the fun picnics, days out and enjoying time together I will scream. Why is it that so many people look down their nose at others who cant share that joy as if for some reason that means you love your child less. I can categorically swear that is not the case. I love my son so much I would do anything for him and to make him happy he is my life and my reason for living. Since having him I have found a whole different Jenny that I didnt know existed. A Jenny who will stand up and defend my son whenever needed and sadly this is something I have had to do far more times than I should have to. So just because I am pleased to see my son back at school doesnt mean im a bad mum I am just a tired mum who emotionally and physically can only cope with so much. I feel that admitting this is a sign of strength and honesty to myself not a sign of failure. I just wish other people could see that and not criticise!!
While I am on the subject of peoples comments, I am 31 its years since I left school and have no desire to return to the competitive days of the school playground. Children are wonderful in whatever shape and size and whatever their needs its no competition whos child is the brightest, sportiest, most disabled, cutest or has the most friends. Why do people feel the need for the competition. Yes my child is physically able but will he ever be able to live independantly?? My child might not have lots of friends (or any really if truth be told), but he has achieved something far more precious this week, he spoke on the phone to someone and without prompting asked them a question instead of talking on his own agenda. This may be something other 6 year olds have been doing for years but for Ben it was an achievement I am proud of.
What I have found so heartbreaking recently is my lovely little boy who so wants to have a friend but cant cope with the sharing and social skills needed for a two way friendship is potentially going to always be like this, or for quite some time at any rate. Ben has been asking a lot lately to have someone around to play. As those who have been following my blog will know recently Ben had a boy over for tea and to play. This was the son of his respite carer who is very understanding of Bens needs however he is still a young boy who is a few years older than Ben, much more mature and at the end of the day can only take so much of Bens meltdowns and aggression. I dont blame this lad at all he cant be forced to be friends with someone he doesnt want to be friends with. Its become obvious recently this boy has no desire to come and play or have tea again and i totally understand that. However Ben now has the idea of friends coming to play and has asked every day for the last few weeks when he can have someone to play. I am Bens mum I should be able to make him happy and I cant and this breaks my heart.
When i was a child I played with a girl up the street, siblings, and sometimes my similar age cousins. I went to a kids youth club and was in st johns ambulance, not particularly exciting activities i know but it meant even a shy child like me could meet other kids, make friends, talk about the latest kylie and Jason records and play like any child should. Ben doesnt have any siblings and never will its just not biologically possible (and if one more person who knows this fact tells me i should have another child im liable to loose it with them!!!). We dont have any other kids locally he could get to know and he doesnt cope with clubs etc he needs a quiet simple one to one situation. My friends either have much younger kids, live miles away or have kids who are not lonely like Ben so they dont see why an invite for a playdate means so much for Ben. All Bens classmates have siblings to interact with or family/friends with similar age kids. All I want as his mum is for my son to be happy, to have more than adults for company and for him to love and be loved. I feel an immense failure because I feel as Bens mum I should be able to make everything alright for him but I cant and probably will never be able to. For that I wish I could apologise to my son, for the fact he is lonely and I cant fix that for him, there is no magic medicine, operation or words that will make his life easier or happier and no amount of money will change this. It breaks my heart. So next time you hear me say i hate the school holidays maybe you will understand a bit more why, because it is a lonely time for us as a family but even more so for my son.
I dont want sympathy just understanding, and icecream if youre offering!!!!